In that moment, when her soul left her body, my heart broke.
For my mumma, who had so many plans of things she wanted to do and see that she would now never get the chance to, and selfishly, for me, I was 34 and within the space of a month, I was without parentals. At first, it was daunting and petrifying. I clung so tightly to Rich he’s probably still got bruises.
Then I got angry. I got angry at everyone that still had parents, I got angry at people who said they understood, I got angry at people who didn’t get it, I got angry at people who said ‘let us know if there’s anything we can do’ because what I wanted to do and still want to do a lot of the time is talk about how much it hurts, yet inevitably that makes you a pretty shit person to hang out with and at some point they’ll want to change the subject, but you won’t. I learned pretty quickly that no one actually cares as much as you do about what’s going on with you. People want to try to fix you, make it better, paper over the cracks, help you to move on - no one wants you to actually break open.
It’s messy. It’s gnarly. It’s time-consuming. It’s ALL consuming.
But, breaking open was ALL I could do. And in that broken-ness, ala another o’ my spiritual homegirls, Akhilanda, in that dark space, in that grief, the cracks provided space for me to grow, because, well...if I didn't, what would it all of been for?
Through the death of my parentals, I've had a re-birth of sorts.
My emotions are raw and I care less about where and how I emote. I have no fear of being seen. I cut a lot of people loose. A lot of people cut me loose. I call bullshit much louder. I make no apologies. I dropped the five year plan, took my finger off the control button and instead, now follow my big beat-y heart.
Like the Tower card in the tarot, everything I thought to be real and true has been taken from underneath me, my life as I knew it was being burned in the crucible, and instead of running from that fire, I let myself burn.
I felt the lineage of womankind who had burned before me, I felt a deep, deep connection with SHE, the divine feminine, and in that burning, I've found my voice.
It’s the voice of all those that have been censored. It’s the voice of sacred ancient wisdom. It’s the voice of maidens, mummas and wise women. It’s the voice of any woman who has been denied her birthright to feel whole and powerful.
I've had to grow a big-ass pair of ovaries to live my life in my real, messy truth. It’s scary and I wobble. But I have no shame in sharing my story and expressing my voice and I thank my parents for releasing me from that unspoken censorship. I've had to step into my power as a woman, not as someone's child, but as a decision making, life-living SHE-led woman.
My parents death was my calling.
For you it may not be so dramatic or traumatic as the death of parents, but something will shift, maybe it will happen simply by reading these words, but you WILL hear the call too.
SHE is calling us to step into our roles as leaders, not in the way that dude kind have lead for the past 2,000 years, no, she wants us to do it in a way that only lady-kind can. The good news is, it’s an inside job. Coming home to yourself is the key to unlocking your calling, stepping into your SHE power and changing shit up.
It’s why I now wax lyrical about menstruation, cyclic superpowers, IN-bodyment and spiritual connection, it's why I'm so passionate about sharing the 28-day Explore Your Lady Landscape programme (the next immersion starts May 14th and I’d LOVE for you to join me) because knowing yourself intimately, trusting yourself despite the shame and fear we've experienced as lady-kind, understanding the awesomeness that lies in your vulnerability, in your raw emotions and sharing and expressing that openly without fear is what will change the freakin’ world. Fact.
I've burned in the fire and I'm ready to change shit up. Who's with me?